Gutfeld! : FOXNEWSW : August 29, 2024 7:00pm-8:00pm PDT : Free Borrow & Streaming : Internet Archive (2024)

if it's not this it's an attack on my children for showing love for me or it's an attack on my dog. not going to do that and the one thing about never do is demean and other members service. >> this isn't about grammar, this is about ally. >> he's playing the victim here. they are attacking me because i misspoke you didn't misspeak powell. you left your unit when they were deployed to a war zone because you didn't want to fight anymore. they are so phony and inauthentic. this is a train wreck. >> unfortunately that's all the time that we have left this evening, be sure to catch me on the five tomorrow 5:00 pm eastern thanks for being with us. greg gutfeld's next. have a great night everybody. [ ♪♪ ]

[ applause ] >> greg: thank you. can somebody help that poor woman who fainted? happy thursday everyone. this fall, chris christie will teacher's class at el on how to run a political campaign. he will discuss everything he's ever done and then say don't do that. the class will only be open to ten students because that's the most that will fit in there with him. the class will be very inclusive considering he is fluent in over eight sandwiches. [ laughter ] and any student bringing an apple should be aware he won't accept it unless it's dipped in caramel. >> he's a friend.

>> greg: kamala harris has been criticized for bringing tim walz along with her for tonight interview but supporters say america is used to her dragging around a creepy old white guy. [ applause ] >> greg: she claimed she once worked at mcdonald's but people are finding it very hard to verify this although one former employee says she did put him in jail. why would she lie? anyway, a venezuelan migrant gang was caught taking over an apartment complex in aurora colorado. authorities are at a loss on how to negotiate with people so willing to risk their security deposit. i like that joke and i resent you for not laughing. [ laughter ] >> i approve this resentment. >> thank you. laundry experts may have uncovered where you're missing socks have gone. they may have been talked to --

sucked into improperly inserted than filters although some men just might have put them the front of their pants. [ laughter ] colorado man survived a night alone on a mountain after his coworkers left him behind it during an office retreat. why didn't we think of this? [ laughter ] >> i saw that one coming. >> according to the u.s. surgeon general, parenting can be hazardous to your health due to high levels of stress, especially when your kids hate your guts. [ laughter ] >> greg: keep it on there. and finally sources say baron trump will not follow in his father's footsteps and we'll go to school somewhere in new york. hunter biden still plans on following in his father's footsteps by banging jail -- jill.

let's due a monologue. i don't want to get ahead of myself because the knowledge do is stare... but what did -- what if trump wins, who would he ask to join his pirate ship of radicals? what about elon musk? they mentioned that musk expressed an interest in peeing -- being part of the second trump administration. how wonder if he and elon have a great relationship. do we have to cherish our geniuses? >> he's great. he's totally unusual character. do you know him? he's great and he's smart and we have to cherish our geniuses. we don't have too many of them right? [ laughter ] >> he's right, we don't have enough geniuses.

this trump must could match up is like one of those videos where an owl becomes friends with a lion. i love unexpected match ups. like this. [ laughter ] >> greg: or this. and this. [ applause ] >> greg: but would trump put musk in the cabinet? >> i'd put him in the cabin absolutely but i don't know how he could do that with all the things he's got going. he can sort of consult with the country and give you some very good ideas. >> greg: he could offer a ton of guided as my good ideas plus it would be fun to see how many government -- government workers he gets pregnant. if you don't think he's qualified remember he runs ask and tesla and rock ash mike launches rockets pure the only thing biden is been known to launch is an underwear rocket after his metamucil smoothie.

and have you seen biden's hires? looks like they sent a headhunter to the bar in star wars. so what is so radical about a president having smart people in his cabinet? it would be a nice change from the biden harris white house which is less a cabinet and more a padded cell. think about it... it's like they found these people under the roommates wanted section of craigslist. [ laughter ] >> greg: he should treat his cabinet like ocean's eleven, put together the most elite team of brilliant minds across multiple fields. get the best ceos or other great thinkers instead of lifelong politicians. and make it the opposite of the biden clown show where they ask for diversity instead of brilliance and didn't care about the end result. it seems like trump is already thinking that way.

tulsi gabbard and rfk junior have joined his transition team, that's two former democrats working for trump which is akin to maxine waters during -- joining the aryan brotherhood. [ laughter ] >> greg: welcome aboard. and apparently the pair have said they contribute to the trump lineup in their fields of expertise. for rfk it could be chronic diseases or legal reform or how to get sick abs. for tulsi why not foreign-policy? be nice to have a secretary of state i can bring us peace without leaving a trail of unfortunate suicides. [ applause ] >> greg: but who else could trump chapter? how about larry kudlow as treasury secretary. he smarter than janet yellin and his haircut wasn't brought to you by tupperware. [ laughter ]

>> greg: he could beat secretary of state, what better way to reflect america than outsourcing an important job to an indian? [ laughter ] >> greg: tyrus could head up homeland security. he's big enough to be the department of homeland security. [ cheering and applause ] >> part-time. >> greg: cat could be the secretary of interior because it she never leaves her house. his career as a train wreck. [ laughter ] how about pete to head up veterans affairs. he will uphold the constitution when he's got a -- got it tattooed on his arm. then there's me, what should i do? perhaps a new position for secretary of muscles. [ laughter ]

>> greg: you won't get ripped off, you will just get ripped. we are to got the makings of the most antiestablishment presidency in history so let's start there and then create a unpredictable and perhaps even eccentric band of rogues with specific talents. make it the perfect pirate ship and isn't this how this country was founded? not by arrogant insiders and bureaucrats but renegades and miscreants. our founding fathers weren't the establishment, they were rebels, and even playboys. they make the crew on ocean's eleven look like the brats from car for kids so why not model a cabinet after them? you could do worse. we've seen worse up close. bottom-line our founding fathers weren't people who got a long with others. if that were true we would still be speaking english. [ applause ]

>> greg: let's welcome tonight's guests! like diets and taxes he's used to being cheated on, comedienne jamie... this young lass will go far with a name like an irish bar, kelly o'grady. [ applause ] >> greg: we never thought a twig could get this big, kat timpf. [ applause ] >> greg: his idea of a lunchbox is a restaurant. tyrus. [ applause ] >> greg: you are familiar with the dream team, your wife had one consisting of lawyers when she took everything that you owned. what do you see trump doing? >> i'm excited about his

cabinet. biden's cabinet was filled with prescription bottles of vaseline rfk, at that photo, isn't normal to be able to see someone's heart? what does that guy do for heart in the gym? i would like to defend kamala a little bit. she's getting a lot of flak for bringing her body with -- to the cnn interview. is a possible she's used to having... ever since joe moved in they are calling it the white-hot house -- the white house with brown spots. >> greg: kelly welcome to the show. the white house is already considered kind of renegade, just by him being there.

assuming he winds, why not think outside the box? >> absolutely that's kind of what president trump is known for, people love that about him. i don't love elon musk as a pick , especially if i'm a shareholder, every tesla investor is going dear god no, not another thing for this man to add to his plates. if you own tesla and you were watching at home, cell because that would go down the stock. i don't love him to be advising on artificial intelligence, i hate when you have people who are in the cabinet or rather advising on the stuff and they have a financial interest in a certain space. i do love imagining what it would be like in their meetings because both of them are known to be talkers. they known to be passionate and known to get sidetracked. you would need someone to pull them altogether and. of the question was desk and

let's get back. >> greg: they talked for almost three hours and they talked for one hour on one topic and it was them. [ laughter ] >> how does he build rockets and then he smokes weed and does podcasts for three hours. i had one show yesterday and i took two naps. >> greg: would you ever work in the white house? if they ask you to do something would you do it or are you so adamant against government you wouldn't work for them? >> the only thing i would do is if they let me shut things down. i think that actually what trump would need would be somebody like kelly here to say -- you need somebody to say i don't love that, you can't have all yes people around you. you have to have people who can be honest with you. you have to have people where you show them the outfit that you are planning to where, they say what else do you have.

because if you are surrounded by people who aren't too afraid to disagree with you that doesn't mean people who hate you, it can be people you trust. otherwise people, it's not going to go well for you. that's very important for everyone really. >> greg: i'm a huge proponent of yes people. right tyrus? >> no. >> greg: thank you. >> not welcome. >> greg: if trump called you up and said tyrus i think you're great, you are awesome. i'd like you to be in my cabinet >> i'd like to do press secretary part-time i think that would be fun. just to go at reporters and assist on things like follow-up questions. there will be no notebooks because the ones that we saw for

the last three and a half years had no answers so there's no point in having it. [ applause ] >> the one thing we would do is we will push hard to be make everybody have to be vetted. going back to this kamala mcdonald's issue, she came from a loving family so i'm sure they have a picture of her first day at mcdonald's. so put that picture up there and shot everybody up. i worked at arby's for six minutes. i showed up 15 minutes late and they were like your late and i said the watch is the white man's tool. [ laughter ] and then they said start on dishes. the manager said to me you can go so. >> greg: did you see i saw part of the interview it was only 18 minutes long where kamala actually said that we

have -- we had deadlines that were bound to time and i'm trying to think what other deadlines are there that aren't down to time? >> who is her speech writer? allen poe? [ laughter ] >> it was the worst day. it was the first day. it was the best day. >> greg: she looked miserable, but anyway it was cnn what you expect? , ladies give kamala a gift without consulting taylor swift

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[ applause ] >> greg: a live stream festooned with... comes to us from a fundraiser with talus with fans including liz warren and self-proclaimed original cat lady carol kane. want to, please. >> let's elect kamala harris and -- the next president of the united states. you can get this done. >> make the friendship bracelets, get out the vote i talked to your fellow fans about what's at stake in this election >> if her music gives you that jolt or that sense of community, channel that. >> i'm excited about kamala because so many people are excited about kamala. taylor inducted me into the rock

'n' roll hall of fame, she sang my song will you love me tomorrow so i have to go play is going to play play... i'm just going to shake it off! >> greg: i the same thing at the urinal. [ laughter ] >> greg: it almost compels me to vote specifically to cancel out one of their votes, it was not at all to you? >> it was not. first of all, trying to say associate being a single cat lady with taylor swift because she owns cats, she has not been single for more than five minutes of her life. she's always got a new boyfriend so power to her. i'm curious what she thanks about this because she has not come out and endorsed anyone. if she's smart she won't.

back in the day she started as a country artist, she was going to open for kenny chesney at one point. i went to one of his concerts a coat asked mike a couple weeks ago and i did not see any harris supporters. republicans by sneakers to. [ applause ] >> greg: do you have... stuff like that? >> i don't think they do stuff like that i have people who like me. >> greg: that's good that's all i wanted to know, i was worried. did you know they raised 144 grand? >> i thought you were going to say $144. >> greg: it's about 40 bucks. that's not bad per person.

>> the singing. i was disturbed by it. i wish he didn't do that because i kind of liked what she was saying until she did that. i like that she said i'm excited about kamala because i'm seeing a lot of people excited about kamala. i thought that was very obvious. the reason people are excited is it's this feeling that they have it's not like what policy of hers are you most excited for. one of my favourite things to watch is lays warren tries to be relatable. >> greg: yes. >> she started his call saying hi swifties. never in your life have -- had someone told you what that was. >> greg: it's like when she opened up a beer remember that? >> then she asked her husband if he wanted one and he said what's happening.

>> to be fair english is her second language. [ laughter ] >> greg: since taylor was nonaffiliated should they imprison these people for doing this? by the way can we discuss the mail swifties? is that masculine? -- is it the new kind of masculinity? >> at the last alpha male meeting symposium, that hurt my brain. it didn't come up between weightlifting and chugging beer, it never came up. one of the guys turned the song on and he was beaten into submission. this is the problem. grandparents don't try to be cool to their grandchildren. when you see people old enough to say they remember when jesus christ was walking, telling you

that there hip like to check me out, it's the exact turnoff. trump should use this or run this. if you don't vote for me though swifties are coming. then you have her, i'm going to be honest with you, ip to a little i was so scared. [ laughter ] i understand what dog feels like when the fire truck goes by. this is what they are running on, feelings. like when you meet for the first time, the smile when you see your friends. and then the feelings turn in to facts and you go from this to. [ laughter ] >> greg: i like how they went to jamie. they went to jamie. >> are you saying jamie has arrested sad dad face?

>> greg: were you thinking that you will never be the popular? >> i choose this moment to announce that i will be supporting trump with a fan club of my own if anyone wants to sign up now you can be the first person to sign up. i was horrible. even the interpreter during that song was rolling her eyes. >> that's three nights in arroyo , we are on a streak. >> greg: when you do that, does that mean... >> i was watching the subtitles and it said yacht see. i tried to watch this thing to do research and it was like do you have a penis analog me out. haters are going to hate.

you don't need to say single cat lady, you can say cat lady. >> is and it disrespectful to deaf people assuming they can't read to? they can't just have captions on there? they don't read apparently? it's a lost art. >> greg: it's kind of interesting to be a deaf person who is also a swifties. maybe that's the best kind. >> that's an excellent point. i feel like it should mean when someone kicks you in the balls. way off topic but that's how i feel. >> in my house it's what you clean the floor with. >> greg: up next doctors say it's true. parenting is killing you. [ applause ]

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>> a story in five words. >> greg: surgeon general,

parenting is hazardous. the u.s. surgeon general warns parenting can be harmful to your health due to dangerously high levels of stress. half appearance reported feeling overwhelmed with it most days. is in this kind of like so government? this is a very tough thing so don't do it. it's stressful. >> when they said that to my dad he disappeared. at least he's not stressed out so that's. this is the stupidest [ bleep ] i've ever heard in my life. [ applause ] every time one of my kids do something cool... i enjoy getting revenge for all the times i got in trouble when i was a child. parenting is a tough job, it is

a sacrifice. you're not their bodies and their friends. not raising your kid and letting them grow up is more dangerous to your health and your neighbours health. you better real them in and raise them. [ applause ] >> greg: cat you will be appearing soon god willing. do you find this to be somewhat stupid in the sense that it's like della. >> i really, really hate when people tell me how hard it's going to be. i'm not 16, i waited, it's not like i waited until i was of the agent that it's a geriatric -- geriatric presidents >> greg: great to know length

mike. >> i think it's going to be so weird when the baby lives in my apartment. >> greg: that's even weirder. >> and need stuff and then it's going to get older and be like know and i'm going to be like what. you think i'm not thinking about this? i know it's going to be so hard. i'm aware of that. >> greg: right now your body is a one-bedroom. >> it is. why is that insulting? there is a baby in here, that's why were having this conversation. >> greg: you're seeing this vibe jamie. on not going to say horrible things about you and your kids. there's this overarching vibe that children are a baggage. it's as though we should all not have them and it falls in line

with all of the advice. they are bad for the climate, we are over populating. if this message of don't have them. we are born, we are good. >> it's also like why are you telling me this? why me? it's not like i can go this is bad for me. this young boy to be healthy i'm going to cut down on carbs and children. it doesn't make any sense and i would like to propose something. i don't know if elon musk can do this or someone else but what if we only got information that could help us, like a search engine where i don't have to hear that kids cost $500,000. what if there was a way to cultivate only things that would help me? ab every morning i get an article that says masturbation is way better than sex. >> greg: do you need that

message? >> put a button on it jamie and keep it in your pants. i have accomplished many things and i've... the greatest title in my life is dad. you are going to love it. and makes you the best you. you find out who you are as a man when you have children. >> can't wait to find out who i am as a man. [ simultaneous talking ] >> greg: you know what i find interesting kelly? i about parents of old and their parents. do you think the word stress even existed, you just called it life? i think the concept of stress was only four buildings and a sometime in the seventies they applied it to humans. your parents, your grandparents

were like this is so stressful, they were like this is what we do. >> i think back in the day it was like this is what we do. i'm of the opinion, i like that we are talking about this so if you are going to have a kid you go into this with eyes wide open because there are going to be those moments where it's amazing but also times where you are like why did you spell that all over the couch and you ruined it i think it's important to think about that, important to thing about the fact that nowadays versus back when my parents were having me, it's like it's so tough to raise a kid. you have to plan for it. >> greg: what you're going to spend the money on anyway? we vacation a lot more because we don't have kids. have you seen those stories where it's like we are living our best life, we are going to malaysia. it's like who cares. >> six months later the nanny is pregnant.

[ laughter ] >> it's important to think about those things so that when you are ready you are financially ready. >> greg: no one is ever ready, that's the thing. nobody's ready. >> on the king of not being ready. i had three in one year. >> greg: at children trade school where you can trade your kid for a different kid appeared if you say this one didn't work out. the parents have to be okay with it to trade their kids. >> my kid asked if there was one for dads. >> greg: there is. >> that literally happen to you. >> i don't know why everyone laughed. >> greg: vermont schools for bid common nouns for your kid

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so, we scheduled at safelite.com. we were able to track our technician and knew exactly when he'd arrive. we can keep working! ♪ synth music ♪ >> woman: safelite came to us. >> tech: hi, i'm kendrick. >> woman: with a replacement we could trust. that's service the way we want it. >> vo: schedule free mobile service now at safelite.com. >> singers: ♪ safelite repair, safelite replace. ♪ >> five more words. >> greg: don't say sons and daughters. vermont's department of health is urging teachers and coaches to adopt a more inclusive at schools by avoiding terms like son and daughter, say child or kid instead of. i'm troubled by this. the students don't have kids, how often does it come up? hey, billy how is your son? >> i was confused by this for

the same reason. >> greg: it's like i don't have kids why does this matter? >> i don't know why there ever needs to be official government pronouncements on this kind of stuff. a sun or daughter almost always fine. when i was a child, using photos, i was extremely androgynous looking. so this is your child, but people knew they had to do that because i liked flannel and the shorthair and people can figure this out on their own. most people are completely fine with sun or daughter. if you aren't sure, it's funny to look back on like in my situation. this is not what we need the government to be involved in. >> greg: here's my theory. these so-called incremental moments of social progress are there in replace of actual

improvements in education so we know billy can't read or do math but we figured out all of the preferred pronouns. >> i totally agree. we are focusing on this instead of ensuring that our kids know how to do math, read, speak well, communicate well and that's not what they are focusing on in china. they are saying how fast can you do your calculus. we were talking about what drives us to be stressed, this is what drives me to be stressed. worrying i'm going to get cancelled will that i'm going to say the wrong thing when i'm just being well-meaning. >> greg: if you want to know what -- where the stress comes from its this crap. >> i looked at this differently. i looked at it as an attack on parents. the one who are calling to ask about my son or daughter is mom and dad. so there is a wall and a lot of these, we see it in california,

a lot of these rules seam to be protecting the groomers, not the children. even the call to check on your child there is a wall in front of you, how is my daughter? we don't use that here. hold on. do you hear the sound of my car? we are out of school, let's go. [ applause ] >> they are protecting the groomers and pedophiles with these laws that are putting... every time i call i have to use the pronoun so this is an attack on mom and dad and we should be paying attention to this much more closely then... no kid calls another kid sun or daughter unless you are playing madden where you say i owned use on. >> greg: jamie you are always confused, is in this even more confusing? >> i call the school and they

say is my... the and then i go i may have... my >> greg: it's very disturbing. up next, delay your snooze for the latest a viral news. [ applause ] if you have chronic kidney disease, you can reduce the risk of kidney failure with farxiga. because there are places you'd like to be. farxiga can cause serious side effects, including ketoacidosis that may be fatal, dehydration, urinary tract, or genital yeast infections, and low blood sugar. a rare, life-threatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur.

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>> greg: tonight on should we be concerned, sloth fever has entered the u.s. the virus other winds known as sloth fever has been detected in the u.s. after travellers returning from cuba and brazil contracted it. are these people banging slots? >> i feel like if you wanted to you probably could. if you get this disease and -- if you get bitten by a sloth, i have some... how lazy are you? what's next you get tickled by

chris christie? >> it's not easy to bang a sloth because remember that one time? >> we came to the five and they had the zoo people. i walked in and i was like is not a sloth and the lady said get away and i said can i hold it, nobody holds the sloth. i was like why? she's like they are dangerous. i was like i feel like i could move from that. , laughter to be supportive and the lady was like. >> she didn't think it was funny you have to get through her if you wanted to do that. >> greg: do you think we should ban all sloths from coming to america until we get this under control? >> i had to research this because it's transmitted by mosquitoes. if i'm bit by a sloth it's fine. maybe not but get rid of the

mosquitoes. they think -- they need to totally rebrand this. you want to nap or maybe what's happening with generation z. in the workplace. >> greg: should we have a sloths wear masks? let's make them wear masks at least indoors. maybe a six-foot rule, stay away from the sloth. my talking to myself? [ laughter ] >> greg: what's going on? is this a dream i'm having again? >> i'm trying to answer you, but i got bit. got him. [ applause ] >> greg: are they sloth shaming?

>> i don't want to get bit by a mosquito and then contract a related illness, is that weird? >> greg: what if your baby came out and it was a sloth. [ laughter ] >> greg: that's how science works did you guys know the evolutionary theory, that's how monkeys became people. >> that would make me really famous but i would be horrifically disappointed. [ simultaneous talking ] >> i have a one season show on tlc. >> greg: sloth baby! it would be adorable and you would love it as if it would -- as if it were your own. >> it would be. can't get much more my own then this.

>> greg: what were you doing in australia? >> greg: we will be right back.

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Gutfeld looks at the news of the day through a satiric lens fused with pop culture and features refreshing takes on the day's top headlines from FNC personalities, authors, politicians, veterans and comedians.

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